Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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