Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
