new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
