you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize