my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
