mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it was like his penis was on wheels.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
