so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
