I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
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Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
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You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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