My sheets look like a crime scene.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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