We named our party play list daddy issues
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
