The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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