4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
