So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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