My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
