I just threw up on my dentist
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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