Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.