You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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