he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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