she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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