I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
not ubering you a puppy
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
