You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
