i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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