That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
