so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
