i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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