shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
