who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
