He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He had one of those small greek statue penises
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
cat food counts as protein by the way
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
