i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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