I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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