i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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