So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
