i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
