are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
