Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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