I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
