so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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