my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
