You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
