Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
