What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
