Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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