Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
