I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
