I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
