mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
