Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!