just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me