I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.