Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
