I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
