having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
