Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
