Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Randomize
