I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize