Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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