I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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