I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
